After consulting my family and banker I have decided to run for the United States Congress.
I have over 4,000 E-mails from residents of Delaware urging me to run for congress. No make that 5,000 E-mails. As we speak Mike Castle is depositing $40,000.00 in a Swiss bank account under the account of Kilroy for Congress. Thanks Uncle Mike and keep me in the will.
John Carney personally E-mailed me at 12:01 am asking that I not run offering me free drinks at the Bulls Eye. He said he was related to one of the owners. However like a true gentleman he stated that once I official file he’s out!
Mike Protack called me and said, not to be surprise if Carney mailed out bogus negative postcards. Hey, Mike thanks for the heads up. I got you down for head of the FAA. Also, don’t try to primary my ass!
Governor Jack Markell called me and said he can never tell when I am serious and asked, for real! He’s so confused hanging around the business roundtable jokers.
Even President Obama send me an E-mail that read, You go boy and feel free to E-mail any press releases to Arne Duncan for proof reading.
Dam, they keep coming! Vice President Joe Biden just E-mailed me a note saying he doesn’t have use for his kitchen table anymore and perhaps I could use it in my campaign headquarters. I responded and said thanks Joe but you know I haven’t given any thought about a campaign headquarters. Joe shot one back and said Beau’s AG office space is open because Beau will be out in the field a lot, hint hint !
You’re not going to believe this one! Wendy Kopp of Teach for American called and said she had a plan that takes recent top of their class high school graduates and makes them air traffic controllers after only one weeks training. I replied, is your cornbread done in the middle? She said, look these kids are master at using TI-30XS calculators an air control consoles would be a cake walk. It’s all GPS and any idiot can be a controller or even fly a plane these days. She said but we would need to change pilots name to Kipper. This way I can keep getting federal funds.
Things are moving so fast with this campaign and I am so nervous I’ll bet you I am making tons of grammatical errors in this post.
Here are my goals once elected.
All Delawareans receiving unemployment (in Delaware not Mexico) without healthcare will receive Medicaid until such a time employed or death.
Notice will be sent to President Obama in spite of his support for my candidacy he needs to send the education stimulus money to Delaware but tell Arne Duncan to stay the fuck out of Delaware.
Education, the party is over for fat district administration as I will ensure real oversight of school finances and end the good old boy network. My school finance czar Paul will be my wingman. School board members in Delaware “will” be paid! I rather them work for the “money” then free dinners! Freshly bake rolls served by Mr. French, how humiliating. Actual it’s cheaper to pay them instead of serving lobster, steak and caviar. Yes I said caviar. I know these things because something always smells fishy when the board comes out of executive session.
All Federal Education Grant money must be use for supplement not supplant.
Social Security will see a rollback to age 65 for full benefits.
As for a national park for Delaware that’s easy! It will be Deer Park.
Employment: I’ll hire all the unemployed bloggers to work in my congressional communication department. This way I can ensure they aren’t talking shit on me. As for those bloggers employed, I know who you are and where you work. Get my drift! Goes for you too Jason.
My biggest goal will be requiring all new homes being build after 2012 be equip with a minimum of 50% recyclables and powered 25% by alternative energy source.
Peter Rose to the Hall of Fame because it’s only fair cheating legislators keeps their jobs. Pete Rose didn’t kill dogs but got treated like one.
More to follow!
Disclaimer:
if can read this then kiss my ass. if you’re at work way are you playing on the internet?
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Reading this get my vote!
I may be working but you still got my vote.